...And that pretty much sums up my experience with the franchise. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Assassin's Creed series.
The A.C. games have always been... no, wait, this is not the correct way to start an article about Assassin's Creed, let's see:
 |
| For example, this caption was written by a Muslim dude who enjoys Adam Sandler movies. |
Now THAT'S how you start an Assassin's Creed anything.
Before we begin, let me remind you how this works. Based only on what little i have played of these games, and on what I've heard from other people, I'll try to explain as best as i can the plot of the series, the rules are:
Before we begin, let me remind you how this works. Based only on what little i have played of these games, and on what I've heard from other people, I'll try to explain as best as i can the plot of the series, the rules are:
- I can't play any game from the franchise during the process of writing this article.
- I can only use the Internet to research names of characters and locations, not plot details.
Once again, i must remind you, this is MY version of the story, so I'll probably get an ASSBLOWINGLY high amount of things wrong. So, without further ado, let's take a Leap of Faith into the plot, this is An Unplugged Look At: Assassin's Creed.
Since ancient times there has been a secret battle between two groups, the Assassins and the Templars. Fighting in the shadows (And the occasional Brazilian football stadium), the Assassin's have always tried to stop the Templars from taking over the world.
Our story begins with the kidnapping of Desmond Miles, a descendant of some of the greatest Assassins in history. He's taken to a Templar base and plugged into a machine, called the Animus, that lets him access the memories of his ancestors, which are imprinted on his DNA (Because Videogame science, B*tch!), by doing this the Templars hope to recover an ancient and powerful artifact, created by an ancient civilization, called the Apple of Eden. They first access the memories of Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad:
 |
| Master Assassin and Bathrobe model. |
A deadly Assassin who lived in the time of the crusades. We first meet Altair I.P.-LAN Aha! while he's on a mission to recover "The Apple of Eden", but he and his team are quickly discovered by a group of Templars. Instead of escaping, Altair In-le'Batman decides to fight them, putting the mission AND the lives of his companions at risk, he does this because...well...
The mission is a failure and Altair He-man AFK goes back to the Assassin's base where he is punished by his master, Al Mualim, who takes away his rank, weapons, armor and... abilities... yeah, apparently back in the dark ages people took honor so seriously that getting demoted could result in memory loss, like if your boss took away your printer and you suddenly forgot how to ride a bike.
 |
| Al Mualim, Master Assassin by day, Men In Black Agent by night. |
After his punishment, Altair Big-L.A. Noire is given a chance to redeem himself, he's sent to Assassinate 9 Templar Leaders, fortunately he's carrying with him the Magic "Let's stop time to have a delightful conversation" Hidden blade, so every Templar gets to tell him their whole life before finally dying (It's either that or people just used to be more resistant to BLEEDING TO DEATH back then), Thanks to this he is able to discover that Al Mualim is actually a Templar. When Altair In-sert a'joke-here confronts him, Al Mualim uses the powers of the Apple, which he managed to acquire, to create illusions of himself... Altair then stabs him and he dies.
Back in the present, Desmond Miles wakes up and threatens to kill everybody if he has to play the same repetitive mission again for the 10th time (Seriously Ubisoft, we kinda noticed), the Templars then decide it's time to unleash their greatest weapon... THE SEQUEL!.
After his "services" the Templars decide it's time to get rid of Desmond, but before they kill him he is saved by Lucy Stillman, who is revealed to be an Assassin, she helps Desmond escape but tells him that he has to go inside the Animus one more time before they leave, they access the memories of another Assassin and literally watch his birth in full First-Person-View.
They escape and join with two other Assassins who also have an Animus machine, they plug Desmond in and access the memories of the next Assassin: Ezio Auditore da Firenze.
We first meet Ezio Australian da Firecracker as a teenager, whose hobbies CONVENIENTLY include climbing buildings and fighting people (yes, it's extremely convenient, but i don't blame them, i mean, could you imagine what kind of Assassin he would have been if his hobbies included Irish poetry and Interpretative dancing?).
One day his dad and brothers get accused of treason and are hanged, he manages to escape and finds out his father was an Assassin and decides to become one himself to avenge him. He trains hard and eventually tracks down most of the Templars controlling Italy, and after killing them he decides to go after their leader, Rodrigo Borgia, so he sets out to...*MEMORY CORRUPTED*.
...*LOADING* a couple of years later, the war between the Pope and the Assassins is coming to an end, we join Ezio Add-DLC da UbisoftMontreal as he is talking with his Assassin friends about how incredibly epic and amazing the last years have been, how they fought their hardest battles, how they restored the Assassins to their old glory and how cool it would be for you to buy the Assassin's Creed 2 DLC to actually play that part of the story (Seriously Ubissoft... F*ck you).
 |
| "Woah! i feel like a new man... no, literally, i just watched myself being born, digital 1080p vagina and everything". |
They escape and join with two other Assassins who also have an Animus machine, they plug Desmond in and access the memories of the next Assassin: Ezio Auditore da Firenze.
 |
| "Aw, what a nice guy! he just wants a hug... why am i sudenly bleeding?" |
We first meet Ezio Australian da Firecracker as a teenager, whose hobbies CONVENIENTLY include climbing buildings and fighting people (yes, it's extremely convenient, but i don't blame them, i mean, could you imagine what kind of Assassin he would have been if his hobbies included Irish poetry and Interpretative dancing?).
One day his dad and brothers get accused of treason and are hanged, he manages to escape and finds out his father was an Assassin and decides to become one himself to avenge him. He trains hard and eventually tracks down most of the Templars controlling Italy, and after killing them he decides to go after their leader, Rodrigo Borgia, so he sets out to...*MEMORY CORRUPTED*.
...*LOADING* a couple of years later, the war between the Pope and the Assassins is coming to an end, we join Ezio Add-DLC da UbisoftMontreal as he is talking with his Assassin friends about how incredibly epic and amazing the last years have been, how they fought their hardest battles, how they restored the Assassins to their old glory and how cool it would be for you to buy the Assassin's Creed 2 DLC to actually play that part of the story (Seriously Ubissoft... F*ck you).
 |
| "What do you mean by 'Sell a Complete Game'?... can those words be used together like that? Jimmy! bring me a dictionary please!". |
So, After a long battle Ezio finally manages to infiltrate the Vatican and fights the pope, who uses his staff, an artifact of Eden like the Apple, to defend himself with magic beams of light... Ezio stabs him and he dies... no, wait, he doesn't kill him, because... i have no idea why, its a pretty stupid decision, but don't worry... this ending gets worse... WAY worse.
After defeating Rodrigo, Ezio retrieves the staff and uses it with the Apple to open a secret vault under the Vatican, there, he finds a message from an ancient galactic civilization that arrived on earth and created the humans, they tell him the world is in danger because the sun is going to release a wave of energy and heat so powerful it's going to destroy humanity, but they are only telling him this because they know Desmond will see this eventually... somehow...
...Woah, it actually sounds more stupid after i wrote it down... i mean... Wow... I'm in actual physical pain because of how stupid and illogical that ending was... did f*cking M. Night Shyamalan write this?... f*cking aliens... i... i don't even... ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO YOURSELF UBISOFT?!? you know what? here:
SOUNDS FAMILIAR, RIGHT?!? THAT'S HOW YOU F*CKING SOUND UBISOFT!!! Here, have another one, this one is about Penis armor:
God i love that guy, so, after recieving the... alien message... god dammit it was such an amazing game up until this point... Desmond wakes up to see that the Templars have found them, so they escape and hide somewhere where the Templars will never find them... In the Village where Ezio lived!... Which was also a secret Assassin base!... and was invaded by Templars so they already know where it is!... F*ck it, they deserve to die.
Ezio buys Rome (literally), Rodrigo is killed by his son Cesare, Cesare tries to kill Ezio with his unstoppable army... Ezio stabs him and he dies, Desmond "accidentally" kills Lucy, falls into a coma, and nobody really cares because they are too busy playing the AMAZING Multiplayer!.
Ezio is really old now, he finds some books that belonged to Altair, he stabs some people... and they die, Desmond's father shows up, everyone is still playing the Multiplayer and people start wondering if Ubisoft is ever going to get over Ezio and give us a new protagonist.
Desmond goes back inside the animus to find the vault where the... ancient aliens... ugh... stored their plans and devices to save the world, he first visits the memories of this guy:
 |
| He's so bad-ass he has his OWN personal cloud of dramatic rain. |
This, ladies and gentlemen, is Haytham Kenway, a British Templar so Bad-Ass he cannot cross the street without mortally wounding at least 10 guards, easily the greatest character in the entire game, and would make for a far better protagonist.
Haytham not only finds the location of the vault but also finds the key to it, he then proceeds to kill an entire English battalion by himself and have kinky forest sex with a native woman to celebrate, all of this before tea-time (it is unknown if he accomplished the last two activities at the same time, but knowing Haytham Kenway, he probably did).
Desmond and friends go to the location of the vault and set up camp, they put him inside the animus once again to find out how to open it, once inside he access the memories of this guy:
 |
| He's so boring he has his own person...al.....zzzZZZzzzZZZ... |
Turns out that Haytham had a child with that native woman from before, the name of this child is Ratonhnhaké:ton (which in ancient Mohawk language means "He who puts the wolf to sleep because he's so f*cking boring").
Rapper:too-nakedmon's mother dies during a Templar attack on his village, so he decides to spend the rest of his life finding and killing the men responsible for it, fortunately for him, the tribe elder tells him that he was chosen by the "spirits" to leave the village and train to become an Assassin, so he does exactly that and meets Achilles Davenport, a retired Assassin who I'm pretty sure is the only Black guy in the entire franchise, who agrees to train him.
 |
| "You really are a Master Assassin Achilles, blending in perfectly with the shadows, where the naked eye sees nothing but black...ness... i... i... i'm so sorry". |
After becoming a real Assassin, Raticate-cake'mon takes up a new name, Connor, and starts killing the Templars responsible for the death of his mother, he kills them all (including his own father) and finally confronts Charles Lee, the real culprit, they fight inside a Burning Boat where Lee tries to shoot him, but Connor stabs him and he... doesnt die... then Connor falls and gets impaled in a wooden beam... then he falls unconscious... then Charles Lee escapes...
And people still ask me why i don't like Connor as a protagonist, a question that only becomes sillier when you consider the fact that this game has both Haytham "Everytime i blink, a man dies" Kenway AND the Assassin Turkey (Who would also make for a better protagonist).
 |
| "Turkey? heh, more like... TurKill... hehe......... please dont kill me". |
After recovering from the fight he tracks down Charles Lee, who is sitting half-dead in a saloon, they share a drink and then Connor stabs him... and he dies (Although considering Connor's accomplishments thus far it is entirely possible he just fell unconscious on top of Charles Lee with his knife out).
 |
| "Is it too much to ask for you to just fall down on top of my knife? i know i spent the last 20 years looking for you but you'd be surprised at how little actual stabbing I've done during the entire game... i mean... life." |
And so, he recovers the key to the vault and buries it. Desmond then wakes up and goes to retrieve it, then, with the help of his friends, they open the vault and are greeted by another ancient alien called Juno, who tells him he has two options:
He can either stay here in the vault and wait until the catastrophe passes, then rise from the ashes and lead whats left of humanity as their new leader or "Prophet" if you will.
 |
| "Really subtle Ubisoft, almost as subtle as a Penis Sheath". |
Or, he can activate the device to save earth, but by doing this Juno will be free from her prison and will take control of the earth, not only that, but the device would also absorb Desmond's life-energy-stuff and kill him in the process.
...Wait, are you actually thinking about what to choose? Dont bother, the game makes the decision for you and they proceed to activate the device (destroying any hope of ever seeing Desmond Jesus: Templar Hunter, only in theaters).
And so, Desmond sacrifices his life and saves humanity... well, not really, i mean Juno is now going to enslave them all, but at least he stopped the Templars!... well, not really, he just killed a couple of them, they still have total control over society, but hey, at least he found the true love of his life!... well, only until the ending of AC: Brotherhood where he stabs her... and she dies... so... yeah, that was pointless.
-THE END.
And there you go, the Unplugged plot of the Assassin's Creed series, sometimes exciting, other times boring, and sometimes ASSBLOWINGLY stupid, but almost always interesting. Check it out if you've got the chance, specially if it is Assassin's Creed 2 (if it happens to be Assassin's Creed 3, RUN, RUN FAST AND FAR! that game takes your brain and replaces it with stupid).
So, i hope you enjoyed, and I'll see you next time, when we'll dig our way through the plot of MINECRAFT! (BOOM! i should get paid for these puns), I'll see you then.
...Wait, are you actually thinking about what to choose? Dont bother, the game makes the decision for you and they proceed to activate the device (destroying any hope of ever seeing Desmond Jesus: Templar Hunter, only in theaters).
And so, Desmond sacrifices his life and saves humanity... well, not really, i mean Juno is now going to enslave them all, but at least he stopped the Templars!... well, not really, he just killed a couple of them, they still have total control over society, but hey, at least he found the true love of his life!... well, only until the ending of AC: Brotherhood where he stabs her... and she dies... so... yeah, that was pointless.
-THE END.
And there you go, the Unplugged plot of the Assassin's Creed series, sometimes exciting, other times boring, and sometimes ASSBLOWINGLY stupid, but almost always interesting. Check it out if you've got the chance, specially if it is Assassin's Creed 2 (if it happens to be Assassin's Creed 3, RUN, RUN FAST AND FAR! that game takes your brain and replaces it with stupid).
So, i hope you enjoyed, and I'll see you next time, when we'll dig our way through the plot of MINECRAFT! (BOOM! i should get paid for these puns), I'll see you then.
 |
| Punching trees, Digging holes, Riding pigs and SSSSSSSSSSS... Next time on Unplugged Controllers. |