"Dear diary: Today started out like any other day, after eating my usual 3 Porkchops, 2 Pumpkin Pies and one Whole Chicken Breakfast, i put on my Solid Gold Pants and went outside to punch some trees, but i got ambushed by a skeleton riding a giant spider, so i proceeded to hop on my trusty pig and kill the monster, to celebrate my victory i decided to have some delicious salad for dinner, but first i had to kill some zombies until i got enough carrots. It was a good day."Yup, it sounded even more ridiculous when i said it out loud, be afraid people, because it gets A LOT weirder. So put your Diamond armor on and take out your Shovels, this is An Unplugged Look At: MINECRAFT!
- Steve
So... Yeah, Minecraft... Not precisely a game famous for it's story, in fact most people will claim it has no story at all, but for me that's not true. Minecraft has a universe, with established inhabitants and places, and this world is the result of a story, sure, a story we are not told, but a story nonetheless. Its a story told not through cutscenes and exposition, but through the world itself, it's a story that each player can build using his own stories and experiences, and that's exactly what we are doing today (well, 50% stories and experiences, the other 50% is mainly bullsh*t), today we wont be limiting ourselves to what the game tells us, instead, we'll take the game's universe and build a story from scratch.
Now, before we start, let's go over the rules once more. Based only on what i have played from the series, and on what I've heard from other people/sources (and, in this special case, using an ASSBLOWINGLY high amount of bullsh*t), i will try to explain the plot of the game, the conditions are:
- I can't play any game from the franchise during the process of writing this article.
- I can only use the Internet to research names of characters and locations, not plot details.
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| Pictured: Nightmare material. |
But one day something happened, something that would alter the perfect balance of this perfect world, one day the Testificates woke up to find that an outsider had arrived in their world, the name of this man was... Steve.
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| And HE-WAS-AWESOME! |
Steve was special, he had the ability to shape the world with his own hands, with a couple of punches he could bring down a tree, with just his fingernails he could tear down entire mountains, and everything he destroyed he absorbed, able to use it to create whatever he wanted, including Castles, Mansions, Giant Penis Statues and Roller Coasters (But mostly Giant Penis Statues).
But as powerful as he was, we has still mortal (Although it is Videogame Mortality so... yeah, he respawns and Sh*t) and it was one day when he fell into a pool of lava for the 40th time while trying to reach some Diamond that he realized "Why am i doing this?".
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| It is said that the screams of a Minecraft player falling into lava can be heard from Space. |
He had the powers of a God, yet he had to work like a slave to complete his creations, buildings and monuments that, though magnificent, served no purpose, why should he sacrifice so much for such meaningless creations? and that's when his heart turned dark, he realized there was something which could provide him with even more enjoyment than creation... Destruction (Scientists have discovered than destruction provides 20% more enjoyment than creation, although only 7% more than Netflix).
So, during the night, while all the Testificates were asleep (Or standing still inside their houses... Hey, it's Minecraft, not the freaking Sims) he snuck inside their village carrying Buckets of Lava, yes, you heard that right, BUCKETS of LAVA, because there is no logic in Minecraft, why? well that's because there are no circles in Minecraft, and as we all know, Logic is a Circle... well, it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly.. logic-y wimey... stuff (Take a Cookie if you got the reference).
As the sky turned red with the light from the flames, the Testificates realized that Steve would not stop here, he would continue spreading chaos and destruction upon their world, riding their pigs, burning their houses and punching their trees, and he would continue doing this until the end of time because, well...
They decided there was only one way to deal with Steve, they needed to wield the same power he did, so they opened a portal to a forgotten dimension called "The Nether" and sent forth their strongest warriors to acquire the fabled Magma cream, which was said to give incredible powers to those who drank it (Side effects might include Amnesia, Nausea and Square-shaped Testicles).
They waited for days, when they finally saw people coming out of the portal, but what came out was something different, something horrible, they were not the warriors they had sent, they were monsters, twisted by evil.
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| Not pictured: Nightmare material. |
The weakest of the warriors had been corrupted by the Nether almost immediately, turning them into mindless Zombies, those who fell into the fiery lava below had their bodies melted, and were nothing but a Skeleton now.
Most of the warriors who had gotten close to the Magma cream could not resist its destructive power, their bodies being overwhelmed by it, turning them into living bombs called Creepers, and the few who managed to resist and drink from it received the worst of punishments... While swallowing the cream (Phrasing!) did give them the powers to manipulate the world like Steve, it also destroyed their souls, leaving only an empty husk, with no purpose other than destroying those who would look at their now distorted black bodies, they were the Endermen.
...Also, some of them were turned into spiders because... Videogames.
The monsters quickly overwhelmed the Testificates, and took over the once peaceful land, leaving nothing but destruction behind. Quickly realizing their mistake, the Testificates forged an alliance with Steve, they'd give him shelter and resources and, in exchange, he'd take care of the monsters, something which he had proved to be quite effective at.
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| *THUMP* "WHAT THE!?!? WHO THE F*CK THROWSSS A SSSWORD!?!? YOU ASSSSHOLE!!!" |
...i said effective, not conventional... or logical for that matter...
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| "MADNESS?!?!? THIS... IS... MY GIANT GOLDEN PENIS STATUE... AND YOU SHALL NOT TOUCH IT!!!" |
He fought day and night, destroying every monster who stood on his way, and soon they feared the name of STEVE. The Testificates had found peace once again, and Steve now had a new purpose, he'd use his powers to create sharper weapons, harder armor, build the strongest of fortress and become the invincible guardian of the land he had always been supposed to be, he had finally found his place in this weird weird world.
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| - THE END |
There you go, the Unplugged Plot of Minecraft, but this is not the only story to be found here, it's just the one I found. So go ahead and play some Minecraft, live your own world and create your own story, it's the best way i can think of for finding one.
I hope you enjoyed, and I'll see you next time, when we'll (...wait for it...) take a SHOT (BOOM! PUN-NED!) at explaining the mess that is the plot of the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare series, see you then.
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| Nuclear bombs, Magnificent Moustaches, World War 3 and Michael Bay; Next time on Unplugged Controllers. |