Yes, Chris Redfield just PUNCHED that boulder out of the way, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Resident Evil series.
The R.E. games have always been a polarizing topic for me, on the one hand their co-op mode has been some of the most fun I've had in video games, but on the other hand.... they kinda suck, so today we are diving into the crazy mess they call "Plot" to see if they deserve all the mocking and ridicule (*SPOILER ALERT*: They do), this is "An Unplugged Look At" Resident Evil.
Before we start, let's go over the rules once again, I'll try to explain as best as i can the Plot of the Franchise based only on what little i have played from it and what I've heard from other people, the rules are:
- I can't play any game from the franchise during the process of writing this.
- I can only use the Internet to research names of characters and locations, not plot details.
And again, i must remind you, this is MY version, so I'll probably get a lot of things... scratch that... ALL THE THINGS wrong, so, without further ado, i give you Resident Evil: The Unplugged Chronicles (I'm warning you people, its a LONG one).
1998: "Zer0"
A helicopter crashes in the Arklay mountains, only one person survives, Rebecca Chambers, the medic of "Bravo Team", a special unit sent in to investigate a series of murders in a nearby mansion, as she starts walking she finds an abandoned train full of zombies who promptly attack her.
After fighting off the undead she meets Billy Coen, Ex-marine and designated Badass for the rest of the game, together they manage to escape from the undead by... crashing the train (what did you expect? she's a medic, not a pilot), they crash into an abandoned laboratory, and are attacked by mutant Scorpions, mutant Reptiles and mutant Sub-Zeroes.
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| Resident Evil: The Unplugged Chronicles, with special guest Chris Redfield, professional Rock-puncher and Crocodile wrestler!. |
1998: "Zer0"
A helicopter crashes in the Arklay mountains, only one person survives, Rebecca Chambers, the medic of "Bravo Team", a special unit sent in to investigate a series of murders in a nearby mansion, as she starts walking she finds an abandoned train full of zombies who promptly attack her.
After fighting off the undead she meets Billy Coen, Ex-marine and designated Badass for the rest of the game, together they manage to escape from the undead by... crashing the train (what did you expect? she's a medic, not a pilot), they crash into an abandoned laboratory, and are attacked by mutant Scorpions, mutant Reptiles and mutant Sub-Zeroes.
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| Unfortunately the giant Scorpion is NOT played by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in this version. |
Inside the laboratory they discover that the purpose of this place was to create B.O.W.'s or "Bio Organic Weapons", both in Virus form and "OH MY GOD IS THAT A GIANT ZOMBIE BAT?" form.
They finally find James Marcus, the founder of the facility, who has been dead for ten years but was resurrected by the virus he created (i can only assume he spent the last 10 years trying to achieve 100% completion in Skyrim), they defeat him and escape as the facility explodes, Billy then leaves into the night and Rebecca continues towards her original objective, the mansion in the mountains.
Still 1998: The Mansion in the mountains
"Alpha Team" finds the crash site of "Bravo Team's" helicopter, but are suddenly attacked by a bloodthirsty pack of terrible cutscenes (although not as terrible as R.E.5's inventory system).
Above: the greatest 3 minutes in PlayStation history
Only Chris Redfield, Jill Valentine and Albert "I swear I'm not the bad guy" Wesker survive, and they find the mansion "Bravo Team" was sent to investigate, they apply everything they've learned from watching Scooby-Doo and split up, fortunately the mansion is full of high caliber ammunition and "Medicinal" herbs (given how often they use such herbs in the franchise I'm starting to believe all the Resident Evil games are just a series of drug-induced hallucinations)
They discover that beneath the mansion there is a secret lab used to create B.O.W's, and decide it would be a good idea to escape after having to fight Zombies, Zombie dogs, Zombie plants, Zombie sharks, Zombie snakes and Zombie "What the hell is that thing?!".
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| No, seriously Capcom... What the hell is that thing?! |
They finally manage to call for a rescue helicopter but are ambushed by a "Tyrant", a B.O.W with the claw of a dinosaur and the body of a hairless Ken doll, the Tyrant "Kills" Wesker, but Chris and Jill manage to escape to the roof. The rescue helicopter arrives and gives them a Rocket Launcher which they use to kill the Tyrant.
STILL FREAKING 1998: Raccoon City
Are we still in the same year? seriously? Holy Thor's hammer! ok, there is a zombie outbreak in Raccoon city, everyone dies, Leon Kennedy survives, Ada Wong is sexy, they discover the Umbrella Corporation is behind everything, Wesker is still alive, Darth Vader is Luke's father, Snape killed Dumbledore, Bruce Willis is dead, and there is a giant zombie called Nemesis that carries a rocket launcher and can only say "STAAARS!", though sometimes he says "STARS!", "STARS?" and the occasional "STAAAAAAAAAARS!".
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| Which leads me to believe he is actually a Pokemon called "STAAARS", probably a legendary. |
They kill him and escape from Raccoon city. -The End
2004: "Thanks for finally moving forward... wait, are we in Spain!?"
After surviving the Raccoon city incident, Leon Kennedy has been promoted from street cop to THE FREAKING PRESIDENT'S bodyguard, he is sent to Spain to investigate the disappearance of the President's daughter. Arriving at the village where she was last seen he is attacked by the villagers, WHO ARE DEFINITELY NOT ZOMBIES, instead of calling for reinforcements, like any sane human being would do, he simply kills them all and continues with his investigation.
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| Leon S. Kennedy, the "S" stands for "zero f*ckS given". |
He finds out that a cult called "Los iluminados" is using an ancient parasite to control people and take over the world, and decides to stop them because he is Leon "I Kill Super-powered mutants for breakfast" Kennedy. He fights Giant Zombies (66% more zombie than the common zombie), Giant lake monsters and a Zombie Napoleon (who transforms into a Giant zombie Plant because... Video Game Bosses). After killing the Cult leader he rescues the girl, saves the day and everyone celebrates how awesome Resident Evil 4 is.
2009: Africa
I am contractually obligated to use this song everytime i talk about Africa
A group of terrorists in Africa are believed to be developing B.O.W's, so agents Chris Redfield and Sheeva Alomar are sent in to investigate. After discovering that Africa is, in fact, full of zombies (Just like Australia is full of robots), they find out that the Umbrella Corporation, now controlled by Albert Wesker, is behind all of this, what they don't find out is why Capcom decided it was a good idea to continue the already ASSBLOWINGLY confusing storyline from the older Resident Evil games.
They fight off Zombies, Giant mutant Bat-scorpions (because why create new bosses when you can just combine the ones you already have), mutant spiders, fat black guys and the world's worst inventory system.
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| Capcom development team: the only people who have consumed more "Medicinal" herbs than the Resident Evil protagonists. |
Finally they defeat Wesker by dropping him in a volcano and shooting him with TWO Rocket Launchers, which in the Resident Evil franchise means even his Voice actor is dead.
2013: The World (The moon was already taken by Call of duty: Black Ops)
"Ok, the final stretch, only one more game to g-......wait, what?... What do you mean there are 4 campaigns in this game?.....FUUUUUUU-" -Me
Ok, four storylines, lets make this quick:
- Leon Kennedy Storyline: The president is a zombie, he was infected by the secretary of defense, who is also a zombie with multiple transformations, including Zombie centaur, Zombie wasp-tarantula and FREAKING ZOMBIE T-REX!. Leon: "Quick, use the rocket launcher, BOOM! he's dead, yay!, oh wait, everyone is a zombie now, quick! play a cutscene that fast-forwards into the future where everything is fine with no explanation! Yes, we did it!" -The End.
- Chris Redfield Storyline: BOOM! BOOM! Zombies! BOOM! BOOM! Giant Zombies! BOOM! BOOM! GIANT HALF-HUMAN-HALF-SQUID ZOMBIE! BOOM! BOOM! END CREDITS! -The End.
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| Pictured: "GIANT HALF-HUMAN-HALF-SQUID ZOMBIE!" - Not pictured: logic |
- Jake Muller Storyline: Jake is Wesker's son and his DNA is the key to cure the zombie virus, he escapes from Edonia to Freaking Japan in the other side of the world while being chased by an even uglier version of Nemesis with a grappling hook (so, like, 135% cooler than the original), he kills it 3 times (Because... Video Game Bosses) and delivers his blood to the government to save the world. -The End.
- Ada Wong Storyline: ...F*ck it. -The End.
In the end, they stop the zombie outbreak, the Umbrella Corporation is finally defeated and the credits roll as i cry in pain thinking that there's probably going to be a Resident Evil 7.
-THE END.
Holy Zombie T-Rex! that was a long one, but i did it, all the Resident Evil games (or at least the numbered ones, because who gives a f*ck about the rest?) in one go, i hope you enjoyed this, and I'll see you next time when we'll be tackling the killer franchise that is "Assassin's Creed" (Holy Thor, these puns are too easy!), see you then.
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| Jumping off buildings, Reincarnation, Alien civilizations (Wait, What?!) and STAB-STAB-STAB!, Next time on Unplugged Controllers. |