"Its a movie about Batman trying to teach Obi-Wan Kenobi how to be a Jedi so they can stop Lex Luthor from taking over Iraq using goats... and somehow The Dude is involved"
-Me.
Have you ever tried to explain the plot of a movie to someone who has never watched it? have you tried to do that when you yourself haven't watched it either? well today I'm doing exactly that, but with a Video Game, I'm going to try to explain the plot of the Metal Gear games, a franchise i have never played for more than 15 minutes, as best as i can, but first i have to set some rules:
- I cant play any game from the franchise during the process of writing this.
- I can only use the internet to research names of characters and locations, not plot details.
Now, before we start i must remind you, this is MY version of the Metal Gear plot, so i'll probably get a lot of things wrong (try every single thing). So, without further ado, here is the Unplugged Controllers version of the plot of the Metal Gear series, here we go:
1964: The Beginning
A long time ago there was a man named John, he was a secret agent for the US with the codename "Naked Snake", he is sent to Russia on a mission to stop his old mentor from taking over the world with a Giant Nuclear Missile-Launching Tank.
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| Because what else would you do if you had one of these. |
Once there, he finds that her old boss, whose codename just happens to be "The Boss", has recruited her old squad mates from "Cobra unit", including:
- The Sorrow: ...He can see dead people.
- The End: The first Human-plant hybrid pirate sniper in history.
- The Fury: Able to assemble the mightiest team of superheroes on earth.
- The Fear: Spiderman with crossbows.
- The Payne: With the power to create an entire game franchise based only on bullet-time mechanics.... and something about bees.
After defeating all "Cobras" Naked Snake manages to catch "The Boss" and defeats her in CQC (Close Quarters Combat, I'm contractually obligated to use that term at least once whenever i talk about Metal Gear), using the same techniques she taught him, then she dies and her scar turns into a cobra for some reason, days later Naked Snake visits her grave.
1970's: The Filler
Naked Snake comes to Colombia, fights a bunch of stereotypes and saves the world again, he also has 3 identical clones who can assist him if he has a wireless connection, and they are missing their right eye too, for some reason.
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| They are the perfect special ops team... as long as they don't get attacked from the right side. |
1990's: The Missing Years
They clone Naked Snake, who is now known as Big Boss, and create 3 agents called Solid Snake, Liquid Snake and Solidus Snake (Apparently Gassy Snake was already taken), Solid snake goes to Disneyland and stops the World Wrestling Federation from taking over the world with Nuclear Bananas, we also find out people actually started to pay attention to the franchise in Metal Gear Solid.
2005-2009: The Solid Years
We follow Solid Snake, now part of "FOXHOUND" (The much cooler "WOLFPACK" was already taken by the Russians) and is tasked with investigating a chemical plant that has been taken over by terrorists, but he finds out they are actually working on a super weapon called "Metal Gear" and we finally find out what the hell a "Metal Gear" is:
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| "The most powerful weapon humanity has ever seen, a giant robot... THAT ROARS!!" |
He is then captured and tortured (and for some reason NOT killed) by and old friend called REVOLVER Ocelot, whose special weapon is... you guessed it... a cyborg ocelot named Larry with a laser on its head. He then escapes and fights Psycho Mantis, a terrorist with psychic powers who can read Snake's mind and perfectly predict his movements... unless he plugs his controller in the second port! (OK, THAT IS AWESOME) he defeats him and later finds out that the one behind all of this was... HIS BROTHER! LIQUID SNAKE! He shoots the not-so-surprising leader of the organization and saves the day.
Four years later he is sent on another mission where he gets captured, again, so we now assume control of a character named Raiden, a timid and mildly useless "Ninja", and play as him for the rest of the game (the rest being the last 2/3), he then rescues Snake, saves the world and nobody cares because everyone hates Raiden for some unknown reason (Hint: it's because of the naked Level).
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| You think Twilight ruined Vampires? look at what MGS did to Ninjas! |
2014: The Old Snake Years
Snake has aged considerably because he is a clone, but he is still the best agent they have so they call him in to stop Liquid Ocelot... yes, you read that right. Apparently back in Metal Gear Solid, Ocelot lost his right arm and later replaced it with one from Liquid Snake's body, but the DNA on that arm took over his consciousness and used him to try and take over the world... his ARM... is trying to take over the world... that is one ANGRY arm!.
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| To be fair, if i was the arm responsible for both Liquid and Ocelot's Happy-alone-time I'd be pretty p*ssed off too. |
So he goes to the middle east to fight terrorists and defeats the "Beauty and the Beast" unit, a group of women who have been cybernetically augmented and now act as living weapons of mass destruction, and one of them is apparently possessed by Psycho mantis from Metal Gear Solid because the story wasn't ASSBLOWINGLY Complex enough. Oh, and Raiden is now a Badass Cyborg-Ninja that kills everyone, overcompensation at its best.
In the end Snake defeats Ocelot, Raiden defeats a Vampire (Called Vamp... ugh, that hurts my brain), they stop the terrorists and their robots, Big Boss reunites with Solid Snake (Who is called "Old Snake" in this game... not as bad as Vamp, but still... ugh), they hug and cry, Raiden goes on to star on his own game about cyborg ninjas, a teaser is released for MGS5, i cry in pain as i remember the name "Vamp" and they all live happily ever after...
THE END. (For now)
Holy Thor! that took longer than expected, but we made it, we covered the entire plot of the Meta Gear series in one go. i hope you enjoyed this little recap told from the point of view of an almost total outsider. I'll be seeing you next time, when we'll be tackling the rotten story of the Resident Evil series (Pun 1.000% intended) see you then.
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| Zombie Sharks, The world's worst inventory system and STAAAAAARS!! Next week on Unplugged Controllers. |